10 Telling Signs You’re Trapped in an Abusive Relationship

By Emily Lockhart.

The thing that hurts most about an abusive relationship is realizing that you were tricked into it. Most abusive relationships don’t start out with a black eye. Commonly, they begin just like any other relationship or may seem too good to be true, but slowly, your partner may begin to subtly blame you for things beyond your control or pick at your faults. This may slowly evolve into full blown verbal or physical abuse.

The trauma suffered in an abusive relationship gradually ramps up. It slowly drains you of self worth and alienates your support system, leaving you feeling trapped and miserable before you even realize the signs.

Regardless of if you suffer from emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, it can be difficult to comprehend that someone you love, and who claims to love you, could victimize you. And sometimes, your partner may not even realize what they’re doing is wrong.

Here are ten sneaky signs that you’re trapped in an abusive relationship…

1. Humiliation

Humiliation as a form of abuse may start out with subtle jabs or insults in private and then become full blown yelling and embarrassment in public before you even realize it. It doesn’t take much for an abuser to get angry for the smallest of reason and convince you that you’re the guilty party. This type of humiliation is meant to make you submissive and to control you in front of others if they know that they’re public outbursts will make you subservient to their wants and needs.

2. Verbal Insults

You or your partner may lose your cool in an argument, but that never excuses name calling or foul language. Verbal abuse can range from insulting your looks, your intelligence, or your worth and it doesn’t always include foul language. The main purpose of verbal abuse is to wear down your self esteem so that you’re compliant and reliant on your partner—and no one else.

3. Physical Violence

Physical abuse almost never starts with a busted lip. Abusers typically begin subtly with an intimidating stance, a hand raised, a grab at your arm, or a quick slap to get your attention. This almost always graduates to harsher physical slaps, chokes, grabs, or even punches if you let the previous abuse slide. Abusers know that it takes time to breaking their spouse or partner down so they think they deserve the abuse

4. Controlling Behavior

The controlling abuser aims to alienate you from everyone else in your life other than them. That way, your friends or family won’t recognize the signs of abuse or come to your aid. Most abusers want you to be totally dependent on them and no one else. At first this may appear that your partner is just really invested in your life and your decisions, but it will slowly spiral into them being in total control.

5. Unpredictable Mood Swings

The mood swings of an abusive individual can be staggering. For instance, they can go from pleasant and romantic to total rage in a matter of seconds. This extremely unpredictable behavior is almost only aimed at a submissive partner who they know won’t challenge them

6. Picking at Faults

Does your partner treat you like a child? Most abusers who use verbal abuse as their prime tool will treat you like a misbehaved child, yelling and disciplining you as they demean and point out your every fault. However, if you try to correct them, get ready for a seriously defensive and angry backlash.

7. Alienating Your Friends and Family

An abuser knows that they won’t get away with mistreating you if you have supportive friends and family in the picture to challenge their behavior. That’s why they will slowly try to convince you that others don’t appreciate you or value your relationship. Soon you will lose all sense of yourself and only have them for support. What better way to control your every behavior, right?

8. Placement of Blame
You can bet if you choose to stay with an abusive partner that you’ll be blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives. An abusive lover will never accept personal blame for anything. They are masters at turning things around on their spouses so they never assume any guilt.

9. Manipulation

Abusers are skilled at manipulation—so much so that they actually convince their partners that their physical or verbal outbursts are the result of misbehavior on your part. The aim is to make you doubt yourself and your self worth as a good person. That’s why most victims of abuse continue to excuse or forgive their partner’s cruel behavior

10. Calculated Outbursts
Doesn’t it seem strange to you that your partner only demeans you, yells at you, or hits you in private? They will try to convince you that they have no control over their violet or verbally abusive tirades, but ask yourself why they never lose their cool in front of others or in public.

#NoMercyForLanre: Mercy Aigbe ‘A Case Study of Domestic Violence’

Domestic violence is a nightmare which is seeped into reality and becomes a controversial topic when brought to the spotlight especially when a celebrity is involved.
When you bring up the name Mercy Aigbe and domestic violence you get a flood of information, stories and report. The story started on the popular social media platform Instagram, where Mercy Aigbe posted a picture on the 28th of April 2017 with the caption “say  no to domestic violence…” It sparked questions and suspicion which the actress tried to shut down by later sharing a picture of her and husband Lanre Gentry which she took down moments later following harsh comments by fans and followers on her IG page. She was later spotted after the event covered in makeup with little trace of the incident.
The rocky marriage of mercy Aigbe became a trending topic last week escalating to three people arrested for harassment and a restraining order was secured against her husband.
According to reports, on the  5th of May MercyAigbe showed up at the Area F police station in response to invitation by police only to meet the absence of her husband Lanre Gentry who however came out to media to deny battering his wife, also claiming that the actress/business woman has been going through mental disorder pilled with accusations of infidelity.
Mercy Aigbe also took to the media changing her handle from @mercyaigbegentry to @realmercyaigbe with an exposing e-letter, pictures evidence of the incident and followup scanning procedure done to prove the extent of the abuse, a harsh reality check to the shy topic of domestic violence which can happen to anyone even in the most seemingly stable relationship.
    Lanre Gentry has embarked on a journey of cat and mouse…Running away from the law and there has been an accusation and Lanre conniving with the police an accusation made by Mercy aigbe herself.
We the Hoped this will not be another case of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE been swept under the rug… which has become the norm in our society..
This is a lesson to everyone that the seemingly most perfect couple might not be so perfect after all.
#NomercyforLanre
#ceafng
#Enoughisenough
#saynotodomesticviolence
#Notosexualassaults.
Let’s share and raise awareness!!

Rape Culture ….Where the Victim is always to Blame

First let us get an understanding of what Rape Culture is…

According to Connecticut Sexual Assault Crisis Services Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.

Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.

 

Lets see some examples of RAPE CULTURE…

  • Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
  • Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
  • Sexually explicit jokes
  • Tolerance of sexual harassment
  • Inflating false rape report statistics
  • Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
  • Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
  • Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
  • Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
  • Pressure on men to “score”
  • Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
  • Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
  • Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
  • Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
  • Teaching women to avoid getting raped
  •  Discussion and threat of rape becomes an acceptable part of public discourse

IT IS NEVER THE VICTIM’S FAULT!!!!!

Let’s share and raise awareness!!

 

 

 

Sources: SCSU

 

Husband beats and stabs his wife in her private part after accusing her of cheating

A man named Victor Ojiaku has been arrested by the Nigerian police for allegedly beating his wife mercilessly and then stabbing her in her private part with a broken bottle after accusing her of sleeping with sleeping with a teenage boy who works for him.

Ojiaku, an automobile parts dealer, attacked his wife, Faith Ojiaku, 27, a mother of three at their home in White Sand, Isheri-Osun in Lagos State last week. LIB has photos of the stabbed vagina but probably not appropriate to post here

A man named Victor Ojiaku has been arrested by the Nigerian police for allegedly beating his wife mercilessly and then stabbing her in her private part with a broken bottle after accusing her of sleeping with sleeping with a teenage boy who works for him.

Ojiaku, an automobile parts dealer, attacked his wife, Faith Ojiaku, 27, a mother of three at their home in White Sand, Isheri-Osun in Lagos State last week. LIB has photos of the stabbed vagina but probably not appropriate to post here.
Faith was kept locked up for two days by Victor, making it impossible for her to call any family member or friend for help or seeking medical attention.

When she was eventually allowed to seek medical attention, she used a doctor’s phone to call her sister who the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, who have since taken up the case.

The man appeared at the Ejigbo Magistrates’ Court last week where he was granted bail and case postponed till end of January. He is also faing charges for attacking his teenage worker who he accused of sleeping with his wife.

He is facing a six-count charge bordering on grievous bodily harm, threat to life and assault.
Faith was kept locked up for two days by Victor, making it impossible for her to call any family member or friend for help or seeking medical attention.

When she was eventually allowed to seek medical attention, she used a doctor’s phone to call her sister who the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, who have since taken up the case.

The man appeared at the Ejigbo Magistrates’ Court last week where he was granted bail and case postponed till end of January. He is also faing charges for attacking his teenage worker who he accused of sleeping with his wife.

He is facing a six-count charge bordering on grievous bodily harm, threat to life and assault.

KEMEN OR SEMEN: The Blurred Line Between MOLESTATION AND CONSENT.

By Ceaf staff

#KemenOrSEMEN

                 MOLESTATION : According to Definition of Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as a sexual abuser or (often pejoratively) molester.

                CONSENT: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. In this case only molestation occurs between Kemen and TBOSS also known as TOKUNBO IDOWU and i was shocked that some Misogynistic men also know as CELEBRITIES AND COMEDIAN ARE COMING to  KEMEN RESCUE.

The big brother show in General opinion is a show that lacks morals and  promotes nothing but Sex! Sex! Sex! but an incident that occurred in the big brother house and the way the producers handled it, is perhaps the only sex Education Nigerians would ever get on the meaning of “CONSENT”

             Kemen choose in our opinion at #CEAF to sexually touch a woman without her “CONSENT”. The defense that it is what a ‘correct guy’ would do and i quote “AYO MAKUN”, when a fine babe is beside him, is totally unacceptable. KEMEN OR SEMEN as I like to call him, is a disgrace to all men worldwide and unless he can return in time and undo his act, we shall forever remember him as a total waste of man sperm.

According to the US Department of State, Country Studies on Human Rights Practices; Domestic violence has grown prevalent, and is usually regarded as socially permitted. In Nigeria alone, approximately three in ten Nigerian ladies have experienced actual physical violence since age fifteen. Not to mention the rampant increase of domestic violence in the last 3 years from 21% in 2011 to 30% in 2013. Which is no wonder we hear of everyday people, such as Ronke shonde, Titilayo Arowolo in our local news killed by domestic violence.

           But most of this cases are of private citizens which only comes to limelight after it is too late. But what happens when such an abuse is done in the public eye by individuals or people who ought to serve us? or the victims are public figure’s themselves? What happens? Domestic violence is not a respecter of persons, anyone can fall victim. Here are other few instances:

Dino Melaye :Domestic Abuse,Politics,Bully.

                 When you hear the name Dino Melaye, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Trouble? Wife beater? Egomania?Bully?

There is no doubt that  Dino’s Melaye over the past few years has been in the news more for the wrong reasons, for what has occurred in his personal life, or derogatory and illiterate  statements he has made, than any real significant change he has brought ever since he joined politics. The only time I heard any significant or positive effect concerning his name was when I was in 200 level Law and we were asked to discuss whether his refusal to obey a court order or not was constitutional, since then NOTHING. All he has managed to do however is cause his two wives to leave him, because he rather display his punching prowess on two women than in the gym.

His first wife , Tokunbo accused him of hitting her, and that whenever they had a confrontation, she would find herself in the hospital receiving treatment for all types of injuries. On September 25, 2013, it was reported that Tokunbo and Dino had an argument , and he held a silver pistol against her head and would have pulled the trigger if he wasn’t distracted when his phone rang. As evidence of his battery, various pictures of her bleeding surfaced online.

I guess further evidence of his ‘manliness’ was when his second wife, Alero Falope left her marriage just after seven months of marriage. Of course, she denied the reason  she left was because of domestic violence, but then we know the stigma that comes with talking about it… Just saying!

           I guess the most popular news involving Dino Melaye that got the nation talking, was when he threatened to rape and beat up Senator OluRemi Tinubu former first lady of Lagos State; particularly since his remark to her after she called him a dog and a thug, was targeted at her as a woman. If he simply called her a dog as well, that wouldn’t have mattered much, besides she insulted him. But to threaten to ‘impregnate her’ and say nothing would happen, and think he has made a worthy rebuttal, shows how low he regards women.I also remember him as someone who objectify women by comparing former Aviation Minister to the latter that he prefers her because of her BREAST AND SHAPE. PROFESSOR DINO, HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?in my opinion,he only see women as sexual object. If we cannot trust our so called leader to live the law he helps make, who then can we trust?

TIWA AND TEEBILLZ

Another celebrity is Tiwa Savage. Okay so this may not have been actual physical abuse; meaning Tiwa Savage husband did not actually beat or hit her, but an abuse did occur. Emotional and verbal abuse, which in our opinion at #CEAF is as bad. It does a lot of damage to a woman’s psychological and mental health being. We at #CEAF do not stand for any kind of abuse, whether it is physical or not, or done by a Woman or not. Kudos to Tiwa Savage for speaking out!

            NB: An advice to TEE BILLZ is that , what happen between you and TIWA may also happen in the future if you don’t get a JOB ,because  from all indication the main reason you had a fall out with your wife was all ABOUT MONEY and Miss-management.

  TONTO DIKE AND MR CHURCHIL

Then Tonto Dike. Apart from being the same ‘incompetent interviewer’ (as some people have said) who conducted their interviews, another thing Tiwa savage and Tonto Dike have in common is an abusive ex-husband according to Report. Tonto recently disclosed that her marriage of less than three years had crashed, and among many other allegations, domestic abuse was said to have occurred. She revealed to the media pictures of herself bruised. This is to show you that nothing is perfect, even the most seemly perfect woman can be going through abuse.Kudos to Tonto for standing Strong.

So whether it’s Dino Melaye(the wife beater )or Teebillz, (the emotional abuser) or KEMEN the MOLESTER, abuse is abuse, and no one, whether celebrity or not should stand for it.

Big shout out to Celebrities and individuals who stood up against Molestation of TOKUNBO IDOWU and if you think what Kemen did was right,it’s shows you are part of the Problem affecting our society.

Let stand up with #CEAF and say NO TO SEXUAL ASSAULTS AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Remember to follow us on all our social media handles

Instagram:@ceafng

Twitter:@ceafng

Facebook:@ceafng

#KemenOrSEMEN#ceafng#ceaf_ng,#comfortempowerment,#saynotosexualassaults,,#ENOUGHISENOUGH.

The Empowered Woman – 7 Important traits according to Minna Salami

Minna Salami who is listed by ELLE Magazine as one of “twelve women changing the world“, is a Feminist , a writer, commentator and the founder of MsAfropolitan.com. She talks about seven psychological trait that empowered women posses. She states in her online article on the Guardian Nigeria that in a patriarchal society like ours, some can be especially difficult to achieve but these types of traits (as the list could go on) bring great worth and purpose a woman’s life.

1. An empowered woman’s biggest asset is not a pretty smile, her cooking skills, the ring on her finger, her wardrobe or how many likes she has on social media. An empowered woman’s best asset is her mind. It does not necessarily matter what type of things intrigue her, whether it’s art, science, sports, farming or setting the Guinness record in underwater dancing, but an empowered woman invests in insights and experiences that expand her mind and bring self-knowledge because she knows that the surest way to oppress a woman is to control her mind.


2. An empowered woman has a loving relationship with her body because she knows that her body is her vessel. She embraces her body no matter what shape it is. She is especially grateful if she is blessed with good health. She honors her body because without it she would not be able to perform tasks that are of meaning to her. She feeds it with the most delicious, nutritious and healthy food that she is able to and she does some form of exercise, so that her body can sustain her number one asset, which is her mind.

3. An empowered woman knows that when it comes to her sexuality, it is not within the remit of her parents, her husband, her priest, her imam or her friends to dictate what she should or shouldn’t like. How, where, when, why and with who she has sex with reflects her informed choice and her consensual preferences.

4. An empowered woman does not simplify what is complicated, or complicate what is simple, to paraphrase Arundhati Roy. She knows that things can be seen from many angles and that everything has an opposite. There is a light and a dark, a feminine and a masculine, and a positive and a negative side to everything. She can therefore also embrace her own dualities. She can be strong “and” vulnerable. She can be gentle “and” harsh. She can be defensive “and” trusting. She does not have to explain herself to anyone. However, she strives for equilibrium, and over time she decreasingly sways exaggeratedly from one personality trait to another.

5. An empowered woman loves herself deeply. The same way that she is able to love someone else and admire their character, she is also able to love her own character; not with an inflated ego, but with the same illuminating admiration, excitement and tenderness.

6. An empowered woman is disobedient. In a society where patriarchal oppression is the norm, it is pretty much impossible for a woman to play by the rules and be empowered. To live with integrity, an empowered woman will inevitably challenge traditions around her and consequently be considered troublesome. I’m not saying that you should be disrespectful, violent or anything like that. However, you should – graciously but determinedly – refuse to behave in ways that grate against your own wishes in order to please others.

 

 

Like and Share to empower someone today!!! 🙂

 

 

 

Source: Black African and Female  The Guardian ng.

 

Why You Should Speak Up If You Suspect Someone is Been Abused…Some Dos and Dont’s

We tend to preach the gospel of domestic abuse and victims coming forth to report and talk about it. But Often times victims of domestic abuse do not even realize they are in these situations and sometimes it becomes too late. In cases like this people around them can go a long way to help and even save them from further abuse and save a Life.

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts!!!

Do

  • Ask if something is wrong
  • Express concern
  • Listen and validate
  • Offer help

Don’t

  • Wait for him or her to come to you
  • Judge or blame
  • Pressure him or her
  • Give advice
  • Place conditions on your support

OBSTETRIC FISTULA …The Fate of a Child Bride

According to the United Nations Populations Funds Obstetric fistula is one of the most serious and tragic childbirth injuries … It is a hole between the birth canal and bladder or rectum caused by prolonged, obstructed labor, without access to timely, high-quality medical treatment.

It leaves women leaking urine, faeces or both, and often leads to chronic medical problems, depression, social isolation and deepening poverty.

You do not have to have a daughter to imagine the impact of child marriage. It cuts across countries, cultures, ethnicity and religion. These children are robbed of their childhood, denied their rights to health, education and security, trapping them in the vicious cycle of poverty. And yet these decisions to hand out girls in early marriage are mostly taken by those who should be responsible for protecting them – their own parents and guardians – sometimes in the name of tradition.

Let’s Walk You Through Some Scary Facts

  • More than 2 million women in sub-Saharan Africa, Asia, the Arab region, and Latin America and the Caribbean are estimated to be living with fistula, and some 50,000 to 100,000 new cases develop annually.
  • The group most vulnerable to fistulas is the young bride. Child marriage is a global problem with an estimated 14 million girls given out in marriage before they turn 18, some as young as 9 – 14 of the 20 countries with the highest rate of child marriage are in Africa.
  • The toxic combination of a young girl having sex, getting pregnant and going through childbirth when her body is not developed enough accounts for at least 25% of known fistula cases.

How it Happens..

Without emergency intervention, obstructed labour can last for days, resulting in death or severe disability. The obstruction can cut off blood supply to tissues in the woman’s pelvis. When the dead tissue falls away, she is left with a hole – a fistula, in medical terms – in the birth canal.

Tragically, there is a strong association between fistula and stillbirth, with research indicating approximately 90 per cent of women who develop obstetric fistula end up delivering a stillborn baby.

Obstetric fistula has been essentially eliminated in industrialized countries by the availability of timely, high-quality medical treatment for prolonged and obstructed labour – namely, Caesarean sections.

Today, obstetric fistula occurs mostly among women and girls living in extreme poverty, especially those living far from medical services. It is also more likely to afflict girls who become pregnant while still physically immature.

 

The Tragedy..

If left untreated, obstetric fistula causes chronic incontinence and can lead to a range of other physical ailments, including frequent infections, kidney disease, painful sores and infertility. The physical injuries can also lead to social isolation and psychological harm:

Women and girls with fistula are often unable to work, and many are abandoned by their husbands and families, and ostracized by their communities, driving them further into poverty.

The continued occurrence of obstetric fistula is a human rights violation, reflecting the marginalization of those affected and the failure of health systems to meet their needs. Their isolation means they often go unnoticed by policymakers, and as a result, little action is taken to address or prevent their condition. As a result, women and girls suffer needlessly, often for years, with no hope it sight.

Can Fistula Be Prevented???

Absolutely!! it is 100% Preventable.

Reconstructive surgery can usually repair a fistula. Unfortunately, the women and girls affected by this injury often do not know that treatment is possible, cannot afford it or cannot reach the facilities where it is available. Tragically, at the current rate of progress, most women and girls living with fistula today will die before ever being treated

It costs about $450 to give a woman her life and dignity back. But repairs, important as they are, will not eradicate fistula. There is a great need for programmes that can reach our rural and even urban communities to dissuade them from marrying their daughters as children.

Most importantly some underlying factors such as marginalization of the rights of women and girls such as; lack of quality health services, education,poverty,gender inequality, child marriages, adolescent pregnancy also stand as a huge barrier in the fight against this fight.

Civil society, communities, faith-based organizations, businesses, multinational organizations, schools and individuals must play a role in the sensitization, awareness creation and conversation around this epidemic.

Let’s Raise Awareness about Obstetric Fistula!

Please Share!!

Sources: BlackAfricanandFemale

Domestic Abuse Often Leads to Domestic Violence

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love.

When people think of domestic abuse, they often focus on domestic violence. But domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. The first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, you can get the help you need. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Do like and share to raise awareness!!

 

 

 

Source: HelpGuide.Org

 

A True Survivor! …The Somalian born Waris Dirie.

Waris was born into a nomadic family, in the deserts of Somalia. At age 5 , she went through the horrific Female Genital mutilation (FGM) ordeal. At the age of 13 she ran away from home, escaping an arranged marriage to a 60 years old man. She was determined that was not the life she wanted…

Continue reading “A True Survivor! …The Somalian born Waris Dirie.”